My anger journey.

My name is Michael, I am 34. I have issues controlling my anger towards those I love. I have learned over time that it is almost exclusively towards those I love. My anger has destroyed several good relationships, most recently my marriage. I do not always express my anger, and indeed many people will tell you I am a kind, loving, compassionate human being most of the time. I have been told my anger is that of a small child. I remember being a small child, and using my anger to get everything I want, banging my head against the wall, literally, for hours if need be, to get what I want. My mom was 18 when she had me. When I was four, I had a seizure and died. Shortly afterwards, my mom left and I didn't see her or talk to her again for many years. My therapist says my issue is dealing with severe childhood neglect. I struggle with that, mostly because I do not want to hear the Mea Culpas from everyone in my childhood. As I write this I realize I was neglected, I remember the days where I would have wet the bed, and then I was sent to school covered in pee when I was 6, 7, 8. I mean, that is fucked up right? Should I write it off as being the product of a different time? I dunno. I mean,  I certainly never wanted for anything physical but, gosh, that was kind of it, I would say I was pretty much taking care of myself by age 12,  I have turned myself into an artist and I have climbed from all of that, and yet, my anger. It destroyed my marriage, for which I am so mournful. Shit, I love my wife, and to know, I will never share our small intimacies again, it's fucking heartbreaking. So, that is a catalyst for me to really explore, and dig down into my anger issues, FOR ME, I thought I would do it for her, and some sort of mechanistic process would happen and all would be gravy, but shit, I gotta do this for me, because I have to live with me always. I have always in the past said I would do this for my kids, or for my lover, or family, highlighting the essential problem, I am neglecting myself. I have internalized neglect and I don't like it. I want to be healed and whole. So, as much as I love my wife and all the people I have ever hurt, this one is for Michael, for who I am today, and for who I was then. I am advocating for myself.