aha

So, I was informed tonight that my problem is I want to be a saint, but actually, I am kind of douchey, and it was like an aha moment, making so much make sense. It led me to this, that maybe I was angry because I was not being true to myself? I don't know, but honestly, I have felt so free, I don't know what the future holds, but I know I have the power, the capability and the will to make it fucking bitching.

Beach bumming, how things change.

So, I didn't write yesterday, I was in the gypsy wind. Started the day with Mimosas..and just enjoyed myself greatly. so, please forgive me my omission, even in the moment I thought about my anger. It is definitely situational, I guess some people have a low grade fury, I don't I am calm until I am not, mine  is like Vesuvius. Explosive, but with signs. It is those signs that I look forward so I can short cut this energy. This weekend also brought on some realizations, that life itself is complicated but we do not need to treat it as such. So what if my heart is confused and feeling cycles of paradoxical feelings? So what? I can accept that, and that is the end of that, it short cuts the obsessive worrying about the future. All weekend I also did my best to honor what us Tantrikas call sense-goddesses, in essence taking the whole sensory process and making it sensual. I have of course been familiar with this line of thought for awhile, but I never applied it with compassion and love, and wow, it truly transformed things, not just for me, but it seems like it was contagious. So, I feel like I have my groove back, I feel like I am emerging from the tomb like Christian Rosenkruetz. The old me is dead and gone, but I think the new me will be just ok.

Even though

So I am striving to write here everyday, it is a chore, and it isn't one. I mean, for the past few days I have been working on just loving kindness to myself and others. Today, I actually giggled and thought that life was strange but good. The sadness has it's place, and all in all, I know it will work out for all involved, I will work to be equitable, charitable, loving and humane in all of my dialogues. My anger comes out when  I am hungry, I have been an indulgent asshole about that in the past, wallowing in my suffering. That is something I definitely do not let happen anymore. Damnit past Michael, only sith speak in absolutes, so I try not to let it happen and it is a goal. I work out, and I feel that does help me out. I have alot of dreams, and I have to take my sadness energy, and use it to keep creating the best life I can for myself and those I love. I love you.

K'un: The Receptive.

I think I have been afraid to write out my feelings on my anger. Anger is fear I know intellectually. Fear is the Mindkiller I know as the Bene Gesserit have taught me. I fear for lack of control, well at the beginning of  my exodus I pulled K'un: the receptive from the oracle, advising me I was the acted upon and not the actor, but of course, Mr Big Dick Alpha Magician finds that to be a hard pill to swallow.  Now, almost 8 weeks into the exodus, I do not feel so alpha magician, as over the course of the time I obsessed over the Oracle, until it told me outright to back off, now, it gives me K'un the receptive and I listen, I become clay, Goddess, I am so scared. Lalita Mata-Ji aways chides me for being so dark, and I want to tell her, that I am reaching for the light, mother, I am, I want to dance with Lalita, but I also have to dance with Kali. I am going to try to write in here daily. I am going to try to be receptive to the changes life will bring. I am listening. I am being introspective about how I could have acted differently, but I am trying not to be self pitying or depressed, I am trying to mantain equanamity, seeing the struggle in other people, forgiving them, and hopefully forgiving myself one day.

My anger journey.

My name is Michael, I am 34. I have issues controlling my anger towards those I love. I have learned over time that it is almost exclusively towards those I love. My anger has destroyed several good relationships, most recently my marriage. I do not always express my anger, and indeed many people will tell you I am a kind, loving, compassionate human being most of the time. I have been told my anger is that of a small child. I remember being a small child, and using my anger to get everything I want, banging my head against the wall, literally, for hours if need be, to get what I want. My mom was 18 when she had me. When I was four, I had a seizure and died. Shortly afterwards, my mom left and I didn't see her or talk to her again for many years. My therapist says my issue is dealing with severe childhood neglect. I struggle with that, mostly because I do not want to hear the Mea Culpas from everyone in my childhood. As I write this I realize I was neglected, I remember the days where I would have wet the bed, and then I was sent to school covered in pee when I was 6, 7, 8. I mean, that is fucked up right? Should I write it off as being the product of a different time? I dunno. I mean,  I certainly never wanted for anything physical but, gosh, that was kind of it, I would say I was pretty much taking care of myself by age 12,  I have turned myself into an artist and I have climbed from all of that, and yet, my anger. It destroyed my marriage, for which I am so mournful. Shit, I love my wife, and to know, I will never share our small intimacies again, it's fucking heartbreaking. So, that is a catalyst for me to really explore, and dig down into my anger issues, FOR ME, I thought I would do it for her, and some sort of mechanistic process would happen and all would be gravy, but shit, I gotta do this for me, because I have to live with me always. I have always in the past said I would do this for my kids, or for my lover, or family, highlighting the essential problem, I am neglecting myself. I have internalized neglect and I don't like it. I want to be healed and whole. So, as much as I love my wife and all the people I have ever hurt, this one is for Michael, for who I am today, and for who I was then. I am advocating for myself.